On limits on feelings

I dream about you.

I even day-dream about you.

When I see a pram, a bump, a child… when I see my own child … I think about you.

That time I lost my gloves, and went to that shop to find new ones, the sight of that little baby white dress on display, brought tears to my eyes and a pang of pain to my heart.

I read all I can find on how to help nature bring you to me. I have taken supplements, modified routines, being poked with needles, replaced the romance with science, to see if, by chance, I find the key that will open the door to have you.

I want you, I feel incomplete without you.

A couple of weeks ago, my love blatantly told me that I was getting obsessed about you. He hurt me and I resented him for it.Of course he is right, but how can he not understand how I feel?Nobody understand how I feel, unless he or she is going through the same thing.Does that give me the right to resent any one who gets pregnant?

The short, concise and precise answer is NO.

NO

Part of my daily reading diet, is a strong set of “trying to conceive( TTC) and pregnancy” articles, blogs and forums. These are some of the means, together with social media, where people can pour their souls out. News, grief, life updates, opinions, are all placed out there for the world to see. Sometimes is a need to share, a call for attention, or just “what everyone else does”. But sometimes is the outlet to say what we can not say out loud under the protection of anonymity.

On my reading, I sometimes find a post where the writer, who so far has been unsuccessful at TTC, recounts such and such episode where he/she tried to deal with somebody else’s pregnancy related news: announcement, bump pic, birth story, etc. and the writer goes on and on about his/her own pain and all that. I understand this, this is a way how we deal with pain. I get it.

I’ll say that again, I  understand this and agree with it.

What I don’t agree is  the degeneration of this feeling into the “it should be me, I deserve it more … so fuck you and your bump” attitude.

How unfair is it to be angry at a person who is finally getting what we all want?, or expect them to feel remorse/guilt/bad about it?

How distorted is the thought that a newly pregnant person is HURTING a TTCer ? Why should a pregnant person feel bad because of this blessing? How can share that type of news  be possible be thought as “rubbing in the face”?

I believe the complaints and negative comments are masked as “lack of compassion/empathy”, but when looked at them objectively, are they really?

In my view that lack of empathy/compassion is coming from us, TTcers, not the other way around.

Everyone can write what they want on their blogs and it is my choice to read it or not; lately I have chosen to stop reading once a writer starts sulking in envy, bitterness and/or anger because somebody else finally got pregnant.I know what is like to want a bump so much that it physically hurts, but I can not accept not being happy for those lucky ones,  even if it is not my bump…

Yet.